It's Better than Eating Alone

Valentine's Day

2008-02-15T05:03:00.000-08:00

Clearly, it was one of the strangest days I ever had.

About a week or so ago I sent out a text message and asked this somebody if she had plans for Valentine's Day. She texted back and said she had none. I proceeded to ask her if there was any place near her condo that would be a good place to have dinner. After a text message that was querying the invitation, I received none afterwards. I opted for plan B.

I contacted a former classmate from high school who I have not seen for a long time. I asked her if we could see each other and have dinner on the 14th. Apparently, she had no plans. The date was set.

Class was no longer going to meet for Thursday in my College in UP, but I needed to go the library for the last parts of my research proposal. While trying to finish some stuff, my brother in Thailand starts YMing me. It got a little distracting which made me late for my appointed time to leave the apartment for about 15 minutes. Panic, I did not, though I did try to hurry up, forgetting my water bottle in the process.

I had to pass by my office to print a 50-page draft, which was again distracted by a co-worker who needed to print her own work. Twenty minutes later, I was still at the office when I should have left for the shuttle shed. I tried to leave in hurry this time.

The shed was near empty, but the shuttles were not. People were just piled in them. The shed, in a while, started getting crowded as well. More people, less vehicles. I looked at my watch and thought to myself, "I can wait 10 minutes, probably." Ten. Twenty. Afterwards, it was becoming a bit hopeless and ridiculous that I was thinking about how I could possibly get to school on time before the library closes. Forty-five minutes and I was on my way to the bus terminal.

My friend and I scheduled to meet at 8pm, so I was thinking that I shouldn't worry about the library time anymore and focus how to get there to meet her. According to my watch, I had plenty.

Two hours later, I was looking out the bus's window. I was still in the highway, when I should have been close enough to school. The bus, and all other vehicles in the same direction, were moving by inches, and all of us were oblivious about why it was taking us too long. Last time I checked, it was already 6pm.

More than three hours in the bus. The library at school was obviously closed, but I never did get a chance to do an ocular because I was still on the platform waiting for the train. I decided that it was no use going to school, and that I had to go straight to the meeting place, which was fortunately at the exact end of the line for my last leg of travel. Again, the transit was crowded, but I felt pleased that in a while, I was going to beat my hunger and dine with my old friend. The intercom suddenly hollered, "We are sorry for the inconvenience, but we are waiting for the red light. The train will not proceed until the light turns green." It happened five times. And it delayed my travel some more.

In my bag was a shirt that I was saving for dinner. I was only wearing black denim pants and a white shirt. I cursed myself for forgetting to shave a little. I looked awful. She already texted though, and there was no more time. It was already 8:20pm.

I found her, finally. She was slimmer this time, but the same, taller-than-I stature and the cute dimpled smile. She wanted to go to the foodcourt because she was obviously hungry. I was hungry too, but I wanted to be served and sit comfortably. Again, I had to munch up my pride because most of the restaurants were full. We settled for the food court. I asked her what she wanted, and she answered, "chicken and pasta." I, on the other hand, was in a rut because I did not eat chicken, but found out that I could order pasta alone. I had our meal on a tray, and walked back to our table, trying ever to avoid the many people who were in my way. Later she would complain that her chicken was not at all that good. Apparently, I was wrong in thinking that she ate from that part of the mall before. She later retorted that she was just actually very hungry. I realized that she hasn't changed a bit in these years. She's still this funny girl that made me laugh even back in high school.

After dinner I asked her if we could go to the sofa area of the foodcourt, noticing that some of the shops were already closing. We then continued talking about how things have been, and how things are. Later I asked her if she was seeing someone, where she replied that she just recently got into a long distance relationship. She even told me about the time when her former boyfriend and her were almost going to tie the knot, but the relationship fizzled and the wedding day did not become a reality. How funny, I told her, because I had the same experience. She is currently working out her present relationship, albeit far away from each other. I told her to try, and ask her guy to be sure about things. In a while, she prompted if we could go home because were both tired. I agreed.

At the back of my mind I still had her in my thoughts. Even in the bus I was asking myself why I was going through this. When I was at the mall I was asking why, when we were so near, when were just a station away, we were not able to see each other that night. She disappeared, never answered my texts, and until now I still wonder about what I said or did to make her do that. And on that day, when there was nothing wrong, in all the reasons I could think of, for us not to have been together, I spent it with someone else. I'm still looking for answers, and it sucks.

Crying Again

2008-02-01T05:19:00.000-08:00

As I am once again exposed to mainstream and free to air shows on television, I can't help but be mesmerized by a lot of those "corni" types that I end up watching anyway. Now that I go to Manila twice a week, I end getting more of those serial shows and getting to know characters. I am very sarcastic however.

When I was still abroad, I came back home getting a glimpse of the Koreanovela fever as it was taking the country in its truly cultural embrace. Although I was familiar with the Koreans (I had several students who were), I was thinking about what was different about the shows that they sent over. Little did I know that there was a reason for that.

I stayed with some friends in their apartment that summer and ended up watching some of the video CDs that they had on subtitled Korean serials. Imagine my surprise when I became glued to it suddenly, seeing how funny yet uncompromising some of their plots were. I was also treated with watching one the first Korean movies that I viewed - "The Classic" - and ended up admiring it since.

And now that I'm back home for good, I'm able to prove again that some things that I may think as horribly unsatisfying becomes one of my greatest addictions. Although I have become choosy over which of these Korean serials to watch, I was sure to see the plots as they were and how they unfolded. This year, I picked on Coffee Prince. Just try to Google it to see what I mean.

Being unable to see it on TV to simply follow, I tried to catch up on what I can watch. But that was not enough. Soon the teasers were just unbearable and I had to know what was going to happen next. That wish came true in the form of my host home's having a copy of the WHOLE series, subtitled (albeit poorly) to be comprehensible at least. I had the marathon last night.

The problem though is with the state I am right now, the story got to deep for me. Although it had homosexual undertones (true, which made it all the more interesting. It is not as one would expect, however), the plot itself was very well done and the characters, in a sense, were emotionally real. The sap that I am, honestly, cried over one scene where, after they had a very passionate night together, the two characters had breakfast at the apartment's rooftop. D*mn, I think we used to do that.

I think it's time for me to fall in love again. For real, this time.

Wanted: A Life

2008-01-19T01:55:00.000-08:00

Things happened very fast during the New Year's first weeks:

1. I needed to accomplish preparing (and presenting) reports to three of my classes in the University, and I was in deep need of references. I'm just glad that there are heaven-sent people and means that seem to make the overwhelming task easier.

2. I needed to move from one apartment to another, which happened bit by bit, every waking hour. What was harder was the fact that my new room's space was very difficult to manage. I'm thankful that now I have it all figured out. Now if only I could do my laundry better...

3. Work! Work! Work! Everything has been about working out things that work needs me to accomplish. The worst thing is - I have not been able to finish even one.

This is the time when I am not able to sleep at night (not that I had any sleep to begin with), thinking what did I miss. Right now my social life is in a halt. I'm not able to get through realizing that I am just going to the motions right now. Add to that is the seeming lonesomeness that I now have in my tower - my fourth floor apartment room. Staying here has been safe enough, but I have become a prisoner to comfort. I don't like it. I don't think I want to like it. I need a partner. I hope soon. Otherwise, I will go insane.

Despondence and a Reason to Live

2007-12-05T02:25:00.000-08:00

I have been wanting to write a post again but never had the time. Today work treated me with a lunch meeting and I am happy that at least I didn't have to think about what to cook or have for lunch. Hunger pangs refuse to stop though.

It was a great weekend being with friends and with Rose again. Passing by the food place that morning and seeing her eat again was such an experience I'd play back in my head over and over again. While some ladies may abhor feasting on danggit while wearing a nice dress, she showed me how wonderful life can become if one just splurged away. She'll kill me for saying that.

Later on I realized that friendships are just about that - splurging on whatever life will try to throw at you knowing that you can simply be the way you are just because somebody else is watching and thinks the same way.

It has been really tiring for me. Though food is abundant and people have been very kind, I find myself waking up as early as 2am thinking that my life has to start circling all over again. Somehow my body can't help it. And my mind won't let up either. I even have moments when I just want to fall onto the floor because I think I'm in an overload of sorts. Yet I don't want to give up trying to piece my life into purpose. Heck, I could die anytime and what else can I say about that? I just thank God that He has kept me safe and in more ways than one, He has fueled me to go extra miles for the people that I love.

I think coming home has been a reward in itself. I'm not looking for confirmation, or affirmation. I'm not even looking for cost estimates on how long it will take me to realize that its been a wrong choice. It was still a choice I made. I'm quite sure that at least Heaven agrees with me. Or is it the other way around?

Never Home

2007-08-09T02:16:00.000-07:00

So I am here. Back home. Working. Learning. Wishing.

I never thought that all the ghosts of my neglect will come back to me, and I've never felt so friendless. Yup, there is such a term. Friendless. After almost two months back home, I still don't feel that I'm in a welcomed state.

My old friends who also experienced this after a year of teaching in Palau will probably give me the "I told you so" nag right now. I never thought it was going to be this hard. What is so hard about it? For starters, conversations are still too vague for me to understand. I don't know who they are talking about or what happened last year. I don't know really. And it is quite difficult to try to measure up when all I have are stories of the unknown that they can only say, "really?" Yup, really.

I'm comforting myself with college students as friends. Not that they are not enough. Let me tell you, they are loads of fun. I'm just guessing that I have a lot in me that requires a different kind of company. Something a lot deeper than just socialization. Something more meaningful than just the term, "friends."

My soul cries out. I need something to happen to me, to jolt me out of this misery. I can't sleep at night realizing that I'm just going through the routines again. I didn't go home for this. I didn't yearn for this. This shouldn't be happening.

Soleil

2007-03-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

Next week, my anime ends with its run, and I don't know what to look forward to after that.

Memories are meant to be remembered, I suppose. But what do you do if those memories entail regrets? What do you if at the end of it all, the temporary happiness, the bliss, the promises just end in a darkened tunnel of your head and all you can do is curse why you have not done otherwise?

I know I should be over this. I'm sure I was over it. How come time comes in to knock at my door and give me back what I've thrown?

My past relationship was, for all it is, wonderful. I would never doubt if even she said it. However wonderment does not seem to guarantee prosperity, only uncertainty. And in that uncertainty I've lost her. And for less than two years that I've forced myself to endure, I've found nothing to fulfill it. Neither was I able to remain true to myself, with the fact that I can probably be the best liar.

I came across a film that suddenly my mind remembered: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I remember how the movie had an impact in making me think about memories, and making decisions on what you keep and what you want to let go. As the film's protagonist showed, it is hard to divide the line and decide if you really do want to forget, or is it just being forced into your being? Should I justify my memories of you as just a yesterday, or should I not I cause it to affect me today?

And as I try deeper to remember the film, suddenly I remember something else. I watched it with you. And I saw how much pain the role must have felt, because I remembered feeling the same way. "Should I let go?"

Less than a month later, we broke up.

Thank You for Calling Tech Support

2007-02-16T06:59:00.000-08:00

I read a comic about a doctor drawn to attend a social gathering while where he was still wearing his white coat and a clipboard. The last panel stated (assuming it was his wife): "He loves socializing, but he just hates the free advice."

I was wondering about that joke and what that meant for doctors. Lately I've been understanding it a bit more. It seems that it has become pervasive for a lot of people to see another person by his
career or title. In the case above (for which I am also guilty of at some point), doctors might want to be seen as human beings having the need for a casual social interaction too. However, they end up becoming center-pieces and they end up being "free advice" columns. "So, I've been having this headache for while... What do you think?" Of course, the poor kind-hearted soul just has to go ahead and tell the pseudo-patient, "Just drink lots of water."

I've noticed this happens to a lot of people. I probably was ignorant at first, but I experience this almost everyday now. I work as a computer teacher and have been decisive about making sure that everything I work with and work for are innovative and efficient. In this small community that I am currently working for, I've also become the resident tech support person.

Observe how my phone rings and as I pick it up hear the voice of the school's neighbor, also a member of the school board and is asking me how to copy his files from a USB thumbdrive. What a lot of people don't seem to understand is that technology is not magic, and that the phone alone does not make any of us psychic or telekinetic.

I keep telling people that I did not have a degree in computers, nor have I taken any formal courses, except for 4 years of basic computer knowledge from high school and one subject in college on Microsoft Office. Those 4 years don't even include Windows (except during my senior year where I got to play with Windows 3.1). One of my more aged colleagues said she wanted to buy a computer so she could learn it. She said this after I've recently designed a teacher's lounge equipped with computers and Internet and a printer. I blurted, "You don't have to own a computer. I never did."

That was true. My sister owned one, and it was a DOS-based 286. But that was a long time ago, back when I was 13. I didn't own the thing, though I did get to use it a lot. Even in college, I had to write my thesis on my friend's 486 PC. Now, I'm writing this with a refurbished PC that I thankfully got from my former pastor. Technically then, this is the first PC I have ever owned. So I could easily say that owning something does not make much of a difference. I believe its a choice of exposure.

And that's what a lot of people seem to refuse to do. With the doctor story, maybe it can be justified. But there is a way of thinking now that tells us that we can listen to our own bodies and it can tell us that there is definitely something wrong. And besides, it's our choice to be healthy too.

So what about my situation? Or other people out there whose expertise with computers are above-average than others. I've heard, "Hey, can you look at my computer..." or even, "Can you fix my computer?" I'm tempted to say, "Do you know what I am capable of doing?" Of course sometimes I do relent and end up telling the person, "Yeah, just take it to a computer shop." That is when I have no idea whatsoever to fix the broken PC, or that I don't even have the time because I do have real work to do.

People's expectations however, don't change. "I can't log in to my e-mail." And I just stare and say, "Uhm, I'm not your service provider." How the heck do I know about your e-mail account or even understand why they won't log you in? I do love technology, but that does not excuse anyone to even try to tell me that I am its servant. "Come now, you are a computer wizard!" Nope. I'm not. Even Merlin would resent it if King Arthur was to come to him everyday and tell him, "I broke the Excalibur again." I wouldn't be surprised if I found a croaking frog on Camelot's throne.

Apple Macintoshes and Microsoft Windows have revolutionized the home computer industry in making sure that using computers is "idiot-proof." But with the ease of use comes complacency, and idiot-proof it may seem, it also became "learning-proof." Most people have decided to learn only a few of this and that in their daily tasks, and once they go off that routine, they end up lost.

I tell my students some of the essentials in learning computers - observe, experiment, question, and then learn. My students pester me when dialog boxes pop up and end up raising their hand and asking me what to do. My answer - "Read." Computers are not as incomprehensible as other people think they are. I think that is why the tech support industry has grown. Inversely though, the learning curve has slowed down to a point where the technology itself is taken for granted. Being one of those who laugh at the tech support joke of the CD drive mistaken as a cupholder, I can't blame anyone who can find humor in the oblivious situation most computer users are in. But that is just what they are missing - the fact that computers today are supposed to be more intuitive and directed to them, the average user.

One thing that one must realize is that even with technology, much like in other careers, the learning must never stop. I regret that I have neglected programming, and am now supposed to learn new ones. I am proud that now I have an understanding of Linux, and will be able to give you a working file and print server in less than a day. I can tell you the difference between file systems and platforms, and will be able to tell you why you don't have Internet connection. But I can't tell you how to make actionscripts in Flash, or even which instant messenger is the best. I too, have my shortcomings. I too, am still learning.

So to those who's becoming walking tech support systems, we can only help our "damsels in
distress" by making sure they learn. Give the man (or woman) a fishing line so that they'll learn how to fish. And make sure that they see us not as walking computer manuals, but people who do love socializing, or even casual conversations. Our topics do not end with computers. Maybe we like music too, or even dancing. Or not. There's more to us than anyone would ever think.

So the next time the neighbor asks you to come over to fix his computer, tell him, "I'll just send you the bill." And then be serious about it. That's one less pseudo-costumer to worry about.

I, Arrogant

2007-02-03T23:59:00.000-08:00

My head was full of steam for two weeks now. There was injustice that went on and I did not accept it unlike other people did. I clashed with one of the most influential person in the circle of this community. I had my right to say what I said. I felt I was right in claiming that I was, right. Later on I realized that she simply called me arrogant and proud. I am offended.

What does it take to be arrogant anyway? I have applied the word to myself, if my memory serves me right, not long ago. I believe I am. But why would they said this at a time when I completely understood what I was fighting for? One of my friends told me that maybe because this is the first time that her influence has not fazed me, and I have become brutally honest with what I believed in. Perhaps. But then, I do not want to be wrong.

Today, the same steam is in my head. It was a different dilemma, but it's the same old me. She suddenly said, "see, that's the problem with you . . ." My thoughts however tell me that I was trying to tell her that she did me wrong and I had every reason the become hot-headed. I have struggled with my temper before. And now, I fail to claim the victory.

I should stop being right about things. I should take all the blame for all I care. Trample on me, burn me. But never call me arrogant.

Mister MisUnderstood

2006-12-24T20:22:00.000-08:00

I just gave up today. Nothing, in its most obvious way of saying things will I be able to live up to the expectations of other people. I know, I should not be the type of person who goes ahead and out just to please them, those who look at us and tell us what we should do or not. I don't care really. But the truth is, I am deeply hurt.

People don't realize that there is just so much pain that we can inflict on each other just by ignoring the facts of cause and effect. And to top it all there's just too much pride in us that we remain oblivious of our own path to self-destruction. If that's not even enough, try explaining yourself and soon a gladiator's arena forms to mangle each of us to death, bit by self-gratifying bit.

I give up. No person has the right to judge me or even claim to be better than I am. If that person insists then I'd be willing to trample on his feet and simply say that I too have my own right. I am disgusted, ridiculed, and defenseless.

And to you, I do know you don't give a hoot.

Lesser Lights

2006-11-06T05:53:00.000-08:00

I, artificial
bright only in the close
scattered, random, static
You, heavenly
reigning in the sky
predictable, radiant, impossible
I can only look up to you
You can only look down at me
I, die every morning in the waking
You, live still, in dreams
Dreams that I cannot have
of you, when everything
becomes nothing
about, I
except You.

Taken tonight, when its the second night of the full moon.

Bed Bust

2006-11-01T05:14:00.000-08:00

I think it was 3am. I should remember it, because after that it took me another hour to get back to sleep. In this empty room I had some sort of anxiety attack, and it took visions of the aliens from "Signs" to jolt me into a risen position on the bed. I felt terrible.

But it wasn't a nightmare of monsters and rogue aliens on the side that troubled me. It was far worse. They were thoughts, racing up to my head of the so many stresses that seem to revel at my senses. It was a painful price to pay for the humanity that I chose.

Something has got to be done. Not all the time can I bear the weight of the world crashing down on me. Not all the time can I think about a way out. There has got to be a way out. Somehow.

Endings

2006-11-01T05:03:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, I have neglected my writing again. And I have to quit this time. Sorry for the interruption. I will not be able to finish the adventures unfolding in here. Not that they were not important, its just that time keeps its pace while I don't.

Anyways, I will gather my thoughts again, and continue writing the way this blog was meant to be - inner thoughts. What goes on. What I am, as the lonesome strikes in.

Last to show would be this picture of my "little" family while I was at home. Thank you, thank you.

Dead Goat Day

2006-10-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

I'm back from hibernation. And as promised, I'm going to finish my summer's adventures even if it is October. Yes, it is October, face it.

Warning: This adventure is not for the weak of heart. (That means you, Isaac. Hehe.)

I woke up one morning, knowing that in a couple of days I'll be saying goodbye to my family again as I announced the night before that I was going to the city to finish some more things before I left. My mom's excitements turned into something I did not really expect, but brushed off suddenly as we had dinner that night. Anyways, the next morning when I woke up I saw that my dad's garage, which was usually filthy and filled with all kinds of implements he uses for his mini-shop on engines, was clean. Very clean. There was no one around to directly inquire with so I was not really that curious anymore, until I heard it.

A bleat. A deafening, crying bleat. And the next thing I saw, my older brother was pulling in an adolescent goat. They were going to slaughter it that morning, hence the cleaned out venue.

Now, I have aided my dad in times like this before. One time I recall I pulled on a goat from our farm to our house (which was not a short trip), and watched as he got gutted and prepared for that night's (and usually for a couple of days) meat fest. In other words, I have grown up eating goat meat.

That day though I've realized how long it has been since I've eaten red meat. I did eat chicken a while back, but I stopped there too. And I was more conscious about animals and their feelings now. But I remember my mom's words that night: "My son is leaving again, so maybe we can celebrate his visit by having a feast by preparing one of the goats!" What she was saying to my Papa registered in an instant: this was for me.

Here are some of the, uhm, scenes I got to take pictures of:

These are the limbs and head. In preparing a whole goat, nothing is actually wasted. They cooked these eventually.

My brothers preparing lean cuts. Yum.
And finally, some of the final results. This recipe is made up of entrails and bile. The word used for the dish is translated "bitter," and that's just how it tastes like. I used to be able to eat this. But I had to pass this up.
Out of my gratitude for this, I did eat portions of the meat, mostly the lean. It wasn't as repulsive as I would have thought it would. I just thought to myself - I do still love my family, and this is their gift to me, and I wholeheartedly accept it.

Regrets

2006-08-31T23:28:00.000-07:00

This summer I learned how painful it is to have regrets. I have made mistakes in the past, mostly concerning my actions. However, now I realize what it really means when life is short and you're not able to do anything about it, except to live it to the fullest.

Apple, a friend of mine from University, has a great and hospitable family. I did not receive any news yet but she might as well have aced the recent medical board back home. Their house was always open to us when we were at the University, since it was located inside the campus and it was like home away from home (trust me, I've always been away from home). I would remember her mom and her smiles, and her outlooks and all the stomach-aching humor. I missed her.

I could not imagine that day though, when I went back to that same house, to see a different picture of her. Apple's mom has become ill, and she could not speak anymore. She breathes through a tube that runs through her throat, eats through another tube that's through her abdomen. My worst regret - I was not able to speak to her for about four years.

Here are some people who mean to me, people who are far detached from me as relations, but as close to my heart as family:

This is my former boss and his wife. This is the compound that I used to live in for two years. He lent his weight room (note: room) to me when I was trying to get big (obviously I failed), while she lent me some money to go back to my Masters. They have treated me as a friend, son, and as an equal.

This is Mama Emy. I call her that because she has been a mother to me when I didn't go home for occasions. She is Apple's aunt, sister to Apple's mom, and xiau's mother. She is still deeply funny when I went to visit her.

Here is a picture of my cousins from my mom's side. The only ones I REALLY knew when I was young. How could I forget them, when I lived with them for weeks and months when I was four years old! My cousin, the one beside me holding up my sister's little girl, is the only child of her parents (foreground). I visited the old neighborhood and nothing much changed. Look at the girl beside my cousin. That's her first child. She's taller than I am!
I know there were people and places that I didn't get to visit on this trip. But I'll try, try harder that I do not make the same mistakes again. I will try my best to look back, and see the people who have touched my life and made me who I am now.

Pruning the Bonsai

2006-08-22T05:33:00.000-07:00

Before I went home I was invited by some old friend if I could talk to a Youth group in their church for one weekend. I love going through outings like this. So as a homage, I've included them in this blog.

Apparently they were having some problems with how they related to each other in the group. I learned that it was not so for longer than they can remember, and it only changed when some people apparently, well, "changed." There were those members who are recently coming out of their shells, and new ones that were not part of the "original" group. I didn't know these people, but spending that small time with them made me see how simple their needs were. They just needed to be reminded that they had to love each other. I wouldn't say more, simply because I couldn't, but I'm sure that after that weekend, everything would go through changes. For the better.

God bless you, my Youth.

P.S.

The experience was even more accented that it happened in a lovely bonsai garden. I loved them.

A Crisis in Power

2006-08-22T04:53:00.000-07:00

Check:

I have not been able to continue my blogging spree for the last couple of days for two reasons:

1) There is a power crisis in the island right now. The power company has taken steps in scheduling the outages, and each section of their grid has to be out of power for eight hours in a day. EIGHT hours! This week they were able to come up with a schedule for our section of the town, and it goes off at 1am 'til 5am, and then again at 1pm to 5pm. Imagine this: I teach computers four days a week, and some of my more important classes happen at 1pm 'til 3pm. Or this one: I have to work at night in the lab because I'm not able to use it in the afternoons when there is no power. And this too: My classroom, along with six other classes, only have so much windows to actually let air in when we are in the tropics (tropics = humid = can't breathe when there's no A/C). And then the final punch: It's gonna last for 3 months, the power company claims.

2) They took away the access point that was attached to my home PC. Well, actually I took away the access point because we had to build another network in the other campus and the AP was an extra one for such cases. I wanted to order online for a USB wireless adapter BUT amazon would not ship to my island. GREAT. So I had to have my sister in California order it for me and now I have to wait for it to be shipped to her and then wait for her to ship the gadget to me. I don't like being alone in the lab every night because its just no fun doing that, so I guess I'm gonna have to wait it out.

Check.

For Isaac: The Oddities from Home

2006-08-13T07:17:00.000-07:00

This is for roomie Isaac. I kept telling my family that you didn't believe a lot of what the Philippines could have offered you. Here's a gallery I came up with. Check them out:

This one is a jeepney plying the highway. "Look ma, no view of the road ahead!" They actually pile them this much, and my Uncle was even telling me that they have not loaded the vehicle enough yet!

On our way to Bukidnon my cousin-in-law slowed down so we could see this one. It's a Seventh-day Adventist Church by the highway atop the high mountain that we were trying to cross. Apparently this one rich guy had this built so that he could go to church close to his rest home. I like the color too.
Then I went back to the Manila area, and stayed with some friends from school. Remember that naked statue that I told you was my University's emblem? Well . . .

You've also heard about how wonderful the Division office here in the Philippines is for Asia-Pacific. I posed with the main building as my background. It is real:
Then I went home to our island and it's rice planting season. I was able to go with my brother as he drove our tractor to till the rice paddies. Here's a glimpse of one of the homes that was built right in the middle of the farms, with the irrigation canal right down their yard. I saw about four children in the house with their parents.

Sumi should see this one. This is the kind of frog that I used to chop their heads off and cooked, and ate of course. This one I took a fancy in because by our standards, it's huge! These come out whenever they till the soil because they're usually in the ground waiting for the night time. Yummy!So there you have it. Believe me, one of these days I will bring you to my home myself and have you enjoy the sights, the ride, and the food. Hehe.

'Til next!

Adventures Down South

2006-08-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

I have always dreamed of going down south of the Philippines. It is one thing to go abroad, work or visit, but touring around home is something that had to be done. And I have. To top it off, my sister (who is in California) and I were able to plan that I take my parents with me on tour to visit my long lost cousins over in Bukidnon. I would say long lost because I don't recall an interaction between us (except at one of my cousin's weddings, where I have the faded memory of even meeting some of my cousins in person). Anyways, it was a grand experience.

Here is a picture of my sister and her daughter (my adopted daughter as well) with a small crocodile. This was when we visited the Crocodile park in Davao City. And then, on a Sabbath afternoon, we went to Eden Nature Park. It's on top of a mountain overlooking the whole of Davao City (which was a grand view too). Here would be, from the left, my Papa, my Uncle (he married my Papa's cousin), and then Rica. Now Rica is a friend of mine back when I was over at University. I've already graduated but lingered in the campus. She was my contact down at Davao City and she fetched me from the airport at 4:30AM. Imagine that. I stayed at their home before my family and I rented an apartelle. The funny thing was that my cousin, Neneng, who is beside my Mom (who is beside Rica), and Neneng's husband (farthest right) thought that I was going to propose marriage to Rica that's why I've gathered them for the reunion. We had a laugh about that all through out the trips we made. Down the line are my niece and nephew, and my sister and her daughter, Xynith. The park also had a beautiful mini-amphitheater that had a great view of the city. It was surrounded by a nice vine-laden trellis and beautiful flower beds. I told myself that this is a great venue for a wedding. My wedding. Hehe. After Davao City, we had to go to Bukidnon. this is where my cousins were born and grew up. I have only imagined what the place would look like. Gem, my cousin-in-law, drove us through zig-zagging roads and stopped by what looked like a very simple parking lot. But this is what I saw after a couple of steps: a vast plain surrounded by mountains, and it was green inside and out. It was a sight to see.

A day later I was also able to go to my dream school - Mountain View College. It was beyond what I expected it to be. I also had to deliver a package from a mom here in Palau who wanted to give his son a book. I met him and here he is, naive about what's going on. Hehe. What he doesn't know is that I am enjoying so much of this vacation.

My cousin thought of bringing us to this special monastery with a chapel that's shaped like pyramid. It was an awesome place. It had a very nice garden around it too. What struck us all was that when we were getting ready to go home, this beautiful sunset just set the clouds ablaze and the foggy mountain turned into a masterpiece of colors and haze. I'll post that one of these days, but first, let me show you the pyramid chapel:

The next day we had a picnic to a lake. It was a long drive but when we got there it was well worth it. The place was very quiet, and the lake was like a sheet blanket that only had tiny ripples in it. We got into a hut-raft and pulled a rope so we could bring the floater in the middle of the lake. The water area was not that big, compared probably to some lakes in the States. But it was a nice experience still.

I'll close this one with another picture, something that kind of inspired me to have my thoughts running all through out my vacation. It was my Papa's cousin, who, coming from the North found her love and life in the South, that gave us basically this connection. But I've never met her, nor seen her, or heard her voice. All I saw was this, her tombstone. Engraved in love. The grave is actually situated atop a slope that goes down to a river. The land is owned by Mountain View College, the place she and her children, along with her husband, Uncle Mike, devoted their lives to. I wish I could have met her, and thanked her for these moments I had with my family. I will see her in Heaven, I'm sure.

There are more about my adventures in the coming days.

Finally Back

2006-08-10T06:43:00.000-07:00

I am back to regular (?) blogging! And what else to start it with but to chronicle my adventures during the vacation back home. First, the actual airport scene:
I can only say one thing: I do miss you guys!

Can't believe I almost have the whole world around me right here. People from different parts of the world. The gals actually stayed on and waved at me while I was walking towards the plane. Trust me, that was not easy! Thanks for the memories, especially to roomie Isaac, who I wish would be able to chat with me longer (and vice versa). Take care you guys, and God bless.

End Times

2006-07-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

This is the first time that I'm publishing this entry from the Philippines. It's actually my last couple of hours here before I go back to Palau. A great vacation it has been. I'm planning to litter this place with my thoughts and pictures of my almost two-month quest. I just hope we get the Internet out over the school soon. Yey.

Stay tuned.

One

2006-04-16T04:48:00.000-07:00

Today, I am officially alone. Tonight, I sleep with the lights off, and nobody else will be in the room. My roomate left me.

Roomie Isaac was supposed to leave like more than a month from now, but suddenly, a new calling comes to him. He is taking over a class at the academy, a campus that is about 30 minutes drive from town, and has chosen to spend his last remaining weeks in another person's house, inside the campus, for convenience. Alas! Both of us are sad.

So here I am again, alone. "All by myself," and so the song goes. I guess it is inevitable. We will see each other still, laugh, and make nuances of ourselves. Yep, fun times are not over, yet. But in six weeks, that will all change. He will no longer be my roomate for real. He will have to board that plane. And he will run another course of his life, just like mine. Just like the rest of us.

I could now call you, bro.

Elseworlds

2006-04-11T03:32:00.001-07:00

DC has this line of comics called Elseworlds, a play of their regular characters in non-mainstream, non-realtime orientations. I've never read one, but from synopses that I've gathered, it would actually be fun seeing Batman in some alternate universe, with an alternate identity, and alternate predicaments.

I wish I can be in my own Elseworld now. Things have been very fuzzy lately, and I sleep at night staring at the underside of Isaac's bunkbed, asking myself, "What would I do next?"

When somehow everything else becomes a blur and one can only wonder, I try to think of the last time I stepped out of my apartment and had no idea what was going to happen that day. Really, the wonders of uncertainty. But one can only hope and pray that we will understand better afterwards.

Time is short. And we all know it.

Nothing to See here . . .

2006-03-30T03:35:00.000-08:00

I post tonight, because finally, I have a decent, hot meal.

I got sick for about a week and a half, and it was horrible. Coughing, sniffing, can't sleep, and worst of all, I can't eat very well because of my numbed taste buds. That's why I didn't get to post right away, ladies and gentlemen.

But now, just a little sniffs, and a little coughing here and there, and I'm well . . . until . . .

I got a mouth sore. It was positioned at the corner of my upper lip. Just when I got my appetite back, I couldn't eat a bite and not cringe in extreme pain. It was saddening. I couldn't even speak normally (and I had to deliver a speech in church too, for that matter). And I was starving! It wasn't OK for me at all, realizing that I have already lost 5 pounds for the last couple of weeks that I wasn't feeling well.

Today, however, was different. The sore is still here, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore. And so tonight, I cooked dinner and I ate everything. Yup, everything. And I plan to get that 5 pounds back, and more.

I Hate You for That

2006-03-19T03:37:00.001-08:00

My last words last night were "She's a grown woman. She can take care of herself." Who knew that you would be central to my dreams and a rude awakening?

Yup, I had a dream about you again. You were always facing the other way. But I knew it was you. The way you talked, the way you treated me. It was definitely you. I couldn't get a hold of you, let alone enter into an engaging conversation. There were people around, people that I didn't know. But you knew them somehow, enough to stay along with them, and ignore me.

So I reached the end of my string. It was too much for me to bear. The hurt was still there, somehow. I ended up kicking you on the rear. Then finally you looked at me, with tears in your eyes, asking me why I had done such a thing. I was adamant. You had a nail pusher in your hand, apparently, and tried to stab me with the sharper end. I told you to do it again and again, told you that no amount of epidermal pain can equal the struggle I had inside. You did, and stabbed me. The mystery was that you continued crying while you did it.

I woke up realizing what I said last night. Did it mean at all that I could not forget you? I have forgiven you. I have told you how shattered I was, and still am. To forgive is easy, to forget is as hard as the stones I use to hit my head with.

I walk around, smiling. Knowing that there will be no tomorrow between the two of us. Neither will we be casual friends. Friends, probably, but not casual. But I ask myself too, whether deep inside, there is still love for you. A love, that when left unchecked, will make me the most insane human being who ever lived.

The Good Times are Over

2006-03-16T21:31:00.002-08:00

Spring break is drawing to a close. It is my last day of getting things done before school starts again. I've enjoyed so much of the travels for the last couple of days. I want to end my week right. But now, I'm sick.

My throat's been a mess since last week, but I guess it chose this time to manifest itself. I do get sick a lot. I however, regret today because there's just so much to do. I promised myself I would cook for a friend that I've never seen in church for a while. I promised to do my school-work, clean the lab, and do everything else that would look productive. But now, I don't even have the will to eat a decent meal.

Bu-hu.

The Road and Recovery

2006-03-15T05:15:00.000-08:00

That was a great conversation, I would admit. Although I could also say in all honesty how uncomfortable I was with the topic.

Should I say I'm conservative? Some people see me as such, but I wouldn't say I am entirely. Am I liberal? Perhaps, but a counter-recounter of words seem to tell me that its not all about being termed conservative or liberal.

1) Church - I do not like Christian Rock, although right now I find myself listening to Christian Alternative bands and their songs. I am acceptable of hymns in church, but am also a fan of livelier, more life-giving worship styles. I believe in the "the church can still change" themes as opposed to "we've always done it this way" type of ideals.

2) Music and Movies - Other than Christian music, I still am a listener of Parokya ni Edgar, the original Eraserheads, Stone Temple Pilots, True Faith, Enya, and Adam Sandler. The Matrix is still my favorite movie. But no, I don't go to movie theatres.

3) Fashion - Women who can wear their clothes confidently are OK with me. I, on the other hand, cannot wear just shorts when I go to church, but will be willing to travel the world in a worn-out shirt and a pair of sports shorts.

4) Social Life - I do remember feeling like a groupie back when I was in college. But I realized I found my loves outside of my confines - I love playing billiards. I may not be good at it, but it sure beats basketball. I can go to bars, but never disco-places. I don't order alcohol (not anymore), but I will go for the chips (hehe). I can play a round or two of network games with my friends, but not with strangers. I would go for a quiet day at the beach, but never to a rock concert.

5) Principles - I do believe that life is made up of choices, whether they are good or bad. And that life will offer you for each choice you make a myriad of other choices. Whatever you do with these choices, will shape whatever will happen to your life.

You be the judge.

Teleportation

2006-03-13T03:50:00.000-08:00

I promised I'd write this blog for someone. I do keep my promises.

The movie Sleepless in Seattle made such an impact on audiences and their romantic dealings. I never understood it, even if I watched it full length. That was embarassing for me, because I would have been able to catch up on movies like that. Until now.

I suddenly realize that the magic the movie was trying to tell a story of, was the fact that people can become connected, and no geographical, demographic, cultural, or even relational boundaries can get in the way. It's like for two people, you somehow reach a pinnacle, like the Empire State building, and the doors of the elevator just open, and all you can say is, "Hi."

I was chatting with you the other day and I had no idea who you are, how you sound like, what you like eating, and why you wear your hair like that (I did see your picture). Electronic impulses send my words to your terminal, and so do yours. I was reading, but at the back of my head I was trying to read between the lines. "Is she bored?" "Did I say something stupid?" "Was she offended by that?"

Your friend, who was beside me for the meantime, told me that you wanted me to talk first. Unfortunately, I can't talk, not to you for that matter, without knowing what it is that you'd like to hear (or read about). Sleepless in Seattle just flat-out lied about the connection.

But then there's this. You said my posts were kind of long. I told you they were more than thoughts. They were angst. Or at least what I know them to be. And I just opened my head and told you truths that everybody else may think is nonsense. You decide that.

I might sign up for that site you were asking me about. The possibilities are endless. And so are days, that I heard, may be as short as our lives. I'm thinking about it. Still thinking.

A Sunday Spring Sortie

2006-03-13T02:40:00.000-08:00

I decided to finally come out of the living-in-the-town 24/7 and went for a trip in one of the bigger island communities here. The place, Pelilieu, is famous because of the battle that raged here between American forces and the Japanese during world war two. It is a 45-minute speedboat ride from the docks to the Island, and the calm sea was just a marvelous treat for most of us teachers who were taking this break.

This one was when the boat has come to dock, and everyone suddenly notices my hair. The pastor was saying, "Somebody take a picture!" I grabbed my camera instead, and had it with Jorge, one of our Hispanic teachers (don't ask me about his shades though, hehe). It gives you a little taste of what used to be cool - Vanilla Ice, in a darker style.

Our first stop was a jungle trek to find old Japanese anti-air machine guns. You'll be seeing a bigger gun in while, so I'll just treat you with so I just decided to have you see a picture of the jungle, and the guy swaying in it. Donjulie and Mica in the background.

Next stop was a bombed out HQ from the war. You could easily tell through gaping holes on the top floors and the building frame sticking out. I should get that picture inside the bomb shelter.
A perfect beach line don't you think? Apparently too, a scene of one of the worst gunnings experienced by US forces when they were trying to take the island from Japanese forces. Imagine the opening landings of Saving Private Ryan.

Here's the "big gun" I was talking about. A rusty, but intact, cannon facing the ocean, probably for the ships that were at the bay. Adelina (in the sky blue shirt) and Sumi pose.

And to top that wonderful day, one of the greatest sunsets I have ever took a picture of with my 3.2MP Camedia.

It was a great day to be alive.

Out of the Box and In

2006-03-09T22:07:00.000-08:00

It is one week off for me and the rest of the teachers here in the school. It is spring break.

Funny however, that this is a tropical island, and there is no such thing as spring break, let alone the other four seasons. I have however, enjoyed this time off of school, since it is different than Christmas (there's nothing else to celebrate really) and we're free to go wherever we want.

I was talking to one of my colleagues and friend and we were wanting to go out to another part of the island and just spend the night there with the rest of our friends from church. Her idea was, "It would be a change for the better because it would be nicer waking up in the morning for once not having to face the school."

Imagine waking up and the front of your porch is your office? That's how we feel living in campus. And so I took her point, and it really frees me from this box that I am now in.

I want to go fishing too. It's been a long time since I've done so. It is lighter now, this feeling, since its only two months left before the school year ends.

Deep inside, however, I am still afraid. There's just so much time in my hand, and I don't know what to do.

What's for Dinner?

2006-03-05T05:23:00.000-08:00

I cooked for eight people tonight, fish dishes, and now my shirt smells of it. I'm proud.

Food I think has a very close affinity to me. I have made reforms, however. Right now I don't eat beef and chicken, and their derivatives. I've set myself off of milk too. Only fish and eggs remain, and they come in at the very end of my list of to-be-hads for mealtime. I usually crave now for more natural vegetables and fruit. I've had this for the last three years now.

It came to my mind however, that food, though it has changed a lot in my perspectives, have been a close therapeutic model for me. I say this because I love to cook, and roomie Isaac would always know that there would be two reasons why I'm cooking so much for something - either I'm extremely happy, or extremely stressed. In the end, after cooking, I don't have the appetite.

I also remember how my former girlfriend and I would go out to eat at places and rate the food there. We joked around telling each other we could actually write a column on a magazine about what is great or rotten about the food and the certain place we had it in. Of course, nothing beat homecooked meals, and I do cherish those moments that I was able to cook for her, especially on weekends. Sometimes I did it for her roomates and friends, and our friends, sometimes I just did it to take care of her own cravings for native meals.

I guess that's one of the reasons why I had this blog title in the first place. There's food, there's cooking, and then there's the eating part. I found myself the other day musing at lunch break. I had so much stuff in our fridge. I had so much stuff to crave for. But it does feel empty. The food maybe great, the cooking may be superb. The sad thing is, will it be perfect just eating alone?

Welcome to My World

2006-02-23T22:51:00.000-08:00

As a graduate of Mass Communications, I can't begin to tell you how a job that I've held on to for 4 years now have been so, shall I say, distracting. I teach computers. Manage the network systems. And get this - I've recently installed our Wi-fi system. Four and a half years of college did not prepare me for these, but so far, I am successful (of course, that is, to my terms).

In the end I am still loyal to my Mass Communication roots however.

But that is just a sideswipe of this frustration I have now. I live in the campus, and ever since I gave up my own Internet account in favor of the 24-hour DSL service in my computer lab, I have been deprived of Internet access at my own apartment. I have a second-hand computer system that a friend gave me, souped it up, and now its dual-booting into Ubuntu GNU/Linux. I have a 17-inch screen, and a mock-up of the Mac OS X as my Windows Theme. Its beautiful. It's perfect. But guess what, I don't have Internet access, still. The problem? The doggone antennas that I assembled and our maintenance guy set up, doesn't "see" our apartment. You've guessed it, deadspot. Oh, did I tell you that my roomate, who has a laptop, can wirelessly connect to the system OUTSIDE of our apartment?

I've been living this life, as far as I can remember. I toil and dedicate, for other people, and try to solve their lackings. Try to make sure they're comfortable. Tried to make sure everything could happen for them. Checklist, I have suffered the consequences. I now have the right to say and scream, "What about ME? What about what I need?" Right now my peers are enjoying broadband through the air. I, on the other hand, am stuck with my lab, and reminders of work.

Then again, I've made this philosophy to be the turning point of an ever-exciting, and ever-determined life. "I am happy when I can make others happy." With that, I pause.

Fruitful

2006-02-16T20:40:00.000-08:00

I end up screaming into my pillow in some days.

I was telling roomie Isaac last night how long it has been since my last blog. I think about it and in the back of my mind say, "Nah, nobody reads you anymore." Changes. Hehe. But old osang was asking for posts, and after I told her how maniacally depressed I was the other day, told me to just start writing again. Thanks for that.

I am not easily cured, however. For nights I haven't been getting any sleep, although my sleeping pills (reading) have been taken in double doses. At points I blame my newfound liking of online curiousities, but I've been offline by 9PM for all the other nights. I saw, however, a gaping hole. I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I'm not being fruitful, even as a human being. My stagnations have caused so many dillusions, so many insecurities that seem to cloud my mind. Am I worth a person that I am now? I keep asking. I seem have been inside the same routine, the same paraphrases. I look at myself in the mirror and ask? What am I doing with my life?

I feel afraid that I'll just stand one day in the whole compounds of this world, and stare, and serve no other purpose, but to stand and stare.

Just when you were loving life . . .

2005-12-03T02:27:00.000-08:00

. . . you realize that it wasn't all that perfect, and your assumptions of a faint contact with happiness turns out to be just as sour as when you first started.

. . . you find out that you are bitter about something else but people think its something exactly the opposite of what you're bitter about.

. . . you think about what you really want for the future and it means letting go of everything else that you got used to.

. . . you wanted to get married, but now you're just so numb being single is just like your hands - its a fact of life.

. . . you realize that people play with you a game of interests - if they're not interested in you anymore, you lose.

. . . you find out that you're still alone.

Cancelled

2005-11-29T02:36:00.000-08:00

That was one of the longest weekends ever. So the church had a campmeeting, and we had to start last Thursday. Imagine traveling the islands in a barge being towed by a tugboat. Yup. What fun.

My roomie and I were telling each other that Wednesday how we didn't like at all to go. It wasn't much of an adventures, because we've been to better islands before, and camping out for three days? Had to do it.

So we went there, and we beached the whole barge (it can carry two dump trucks) and the tourists on the island (mostly taiwanese I think). It kinda looked like a Normandy storming, like you see in the WWII movies. We emptied the island for ourselves in less than half an hour. Tee-hee.

Problem was, I didn't bring a tent for that actual event, because I've always loved going outside to sleep (the breeze is really great). It rained everyday however, but thank God for the sun cause it never ceased to shine afterwards. We had huge tents though, the ones used as a meeting place. And I had a whole tent for myself because I ran the sound system (which I tried to guard from the elements). The system sat on a very sturdy wooden table (trivia: this same table was donated to the church by Survivor: Palau, after they've used it in the show). Guess what, it made the perfect bed for me for three straight nights.

Activities included fishing, swimming, fishing, swimming, eating, playing volleyball (I don't know how to play, but I played anyway, got me some good scorings too, hehe), playing table tennis, swimming some more, and of course the meetings. We even did a surfing route with the Pastor's little boat (now THAT was exciting).

So I had four days out of the town, out of the school, spending the Thanksgiving holiday on a neat island, and I couldn't ask for more. But I could have. The Pastor's in-laws are here and they were invited by the Senator (a member of our church) to go on a fishing trip at the northern part of the islands. Now if you were invited to the northern part of the islands here, it would be the best invitation you could ever have, because you know the expense and effort needed just to get you out at SEA is way much. Of course, I got the invitation, but they were gonna go on a Monday. Monday, my friends, meant school. Unless by any chance of fate the school got cancelled, I had my dream torn in front of me. After a last jump atop the barge into the water, it was time to go on a Sunday noon.

Monday. Classes are cancelled at 8AM because there was a fire near the school and the smoke was everywhere.

Yup, looooooongggg weekend indeed.

Reading your BLOG again

2005-11-21T21:27:00.000-08:00

How long has it been. Two months, I think. I've been pointing my browsers to other sites.

Deep inside I'm stopping myself (and I still wonder why). Maybe because I'm phobic because of the last entry I actually read. Still leaves after images in my eyes and raises my few growing body hairs. In fact, my browser at home doesn't remember your blog address anymore.

But now I'm reading again. Those same feelings, of course, just won't go. It was a challenge, whether or not to keep my last blog running. Finally, you won over me. And I'm the one who's trying to get back.

I still love the way you write. Very picturesque, even without the actual pictures. Or maybe its just me and what I'm trying to imagine you out of. Curse the day blog became an easy space for anti-depression.

It's not that this come-back practice is bad, it's just not the same. Although pictures paint a thousand words, one word can paint a million pictures. (I don't even know what that means)

Surely, there is more to this.

A Blip in the Radar

2005-11-20T15:10:00.000-08:00

She's getting married. I stood back from my monitor while reading that e-mail. And then, a smile.

You were a close friend to me, very close, I would readily admit. Although at times there were awkward moments, seeing you crying, in your tantrums, I could just smile now at your youth and naive ventures. But now you tell me, you're getting married. That, in the words of Peter Pan, is a happy thought.

So let me tell you things I've never had, in gratitude. I've never told you how much you've helped me through lonesome times, when things became empty and dead. Thank you for thinking that a song you would never understand fully was one of the best things you've ever heard and consistently kept in your heart. Thank you for reminding me that life isn't always just about the balance between work and play, but for the melodramas that will make it more challenging. Thanks for missing me when others wouldn't dare, and for making sure that I saw what it meant. Thanks for accepting my humor, even to the point of telling people that you loved me (and again I smile). You did love me, as a friend. And so did I.

Sorry for not taking you out to eat more often, or making you sing the songs you know. Sorry for making you endure a crowd that would mistake you for some other nationality, or why they would ask you a million times where you come from. Sorry for not hugging you a lot more when you needed them most, when I would take for granted how you'd soothe me with your company. I'm sorry for not being who you wanted me to be.

Congratulations, Suleima, for this big step in your life. I pray for fullness, peace, and most of all, love, for a stronger relationship, under the guidance of God.

I will miss you.

Chance in Life

2005-11-16T02:13:00.000-08:00

I was telling my roomate last night how awfully tired I was. I couldn't figure it out, I said, and then it dawned on me. I haven't been having much fun lately.

My lab is now equipped with a DSL line (and trust me, it ain't fast enough). I've been trying to configure and reconfigure it becuase the speed is definitely not THAT exciting. I even have sleepless nights from the last few days just thinking about what's supposed to be done to make the speed faster. And to top all that, I've been downloading a copy of Linux for two days straight now! (poor computer only had a restart today).

So I guess I should give my computer a chance in life. I promise to let it rest once Linux has been fully downloaded (that would be, hmmmm, 40 hours in total, hehe).

I guess I should give myself a chance in life too. How about a long weekend on Thanksgiving? Hmmm, that would be very, very nice. (We do have a long weekend on Thanksgiving next week).

There's another activity coming up though. And guess when it is. Thanksgiving weekend.

Bummer.

2005-11-11T00:37:00.000-08:00

The place is called The Taj, one of the lovely restaurants here that serves Indian food. The occasion was an uncelebrated birthday. Don Julie, who teaches 7th grade and is my classroom neighbor, dared to tell me that I should have at least done something for my birthday, and was making sure it came true. So along with roomie Isaac, she said she'll take me out to eat the next day. I wasn't planning to say yes, saying that I was really busy (and really I was) with installing the new DSL network I have in my lab. Roomie Isaac persuades, and so I simply said, "If the network will work by 5:00PM tomorrow, you'll take us out to The Taj!" She said, 'sure.'

I got it working by 10AM that same morning, although some rough edges here and there, but it was working. Isaac of course, was a great help. And so, when DJ passed by my room, it was set. Dinner.

The evening was great, no rains, although it was drizzling that afternoon. I still had some students and people greeting me a belated happy birthday, and so I was smiling this time. Isaac made sure though, that my mind was not preoccupied. It wasn't my first time eating there, but it was my first time eating there with a smaller group of three. I couldn't pronounce the dishes in the menu, but I have fallen in love with the steamed rice that they serve (I had a taste of that with a catering they did with one of our staff gatherings). So I had to go for a vegetarian entree and rice. I had this peas and mushroom with Indian sauce dish, and let me tell you, its still making my mouth water up to now. Isaac and DJ had their own, no rice though. They had the nan instead, unleavened bread that had different flavors. (They were good too).

DJ, as I remembered it, promised me dessert. So we ordered a couple. She told the waiter early on that it was my birthday (though he never realized that it was WAS my birthday), so apparently (it was probably a manager of some sort) when we finally ordered dessert, my order was from the house! A small tear came out from the corner of my eye, and Isaac blurts out, "You didn't expect that, did you? See, you're smiling!" I was. I ordered a vanilla ice cream with peaches and strawberry syrup, cherry on top, with some almond and raisin toppings. It was wonderful. I regret not having brought my camera for it. Isaac ordered a multi-scoop of ice cream kind of thing, and DJ didn't have any (just picked up some helpings from our ice cream) because she was too full. It was really a happy time for me, and I thank DJ for making it happen. I am really mean to her sometimes, but that's just the way I am. (teehee) She's cool, really. And I am glad roomie is there to make sure I had fun too. For an after birthday, I think it was a really wonderful way to get me back to this track of life that I almost forgot about.

Love y'all.

2005-11-09T05:44:00.000-08:00

I do remember last year, 2004, I posted on my old weblog about a floor full of cards that some of my first grade students made for me. This year, a class actually made a whole poster and sang to me by my classroom door. This was the same year my relationship with one still significant to me ended. The way I was looking at those cards with a broken heart, and the way this year has been, it feels even worse.

My companions here ask why today I didn't even do anything special for my birthday. Why I had to engross myself with tons of work. I never really asked myself that question. I probably have the tendency to just repeat my mistakes and make choices out of what I think would be convenient and unemotional. The result - a day that went by with well wishers I simply smiled at but ended up doing my daily routines with.

I did get e-mails, and they were received with great thanks. I'm glad I still do have friends out there. Of course, deep within these, my thoughts, I still get the periodic, "Why didn't she e-mail me, I thought we were friends," or "It's no special having my birthday without her," kind of thoughts. Then again, what the hey! Life goes on, and on. I still do remember a lot of things from the past years. Twenty seven is still a long way behind.

I'm Back

2005-10-22T23:35:00.000-07:00

I'm back online.