Despondence and a Reason to Live
I have been wanting to write a post again but never had the time. Today work treated me with a lunch meeting and I am happy that at least I didn't have to think about what to cook or have for lunch. Hunger pangs refuse to stop though.
It was a great weekend being with friends and with Rose again. Passing by the food place that morning and seeing her eat again was such an experience I'd play back in my head over and over again. While some ladies may abhor feasting on danggit while wearing a nice dress, she showed me how wonderful life can become if one just splurged away. She'll kill me for saying that.
Later on I realized that friendships are just about that - splurging on whatever life will try to throw at you knowing that you can simply be the way you are just because somebody else is watching and thinks the same way.
It has been really tiring for me. Though food is abundant and people have been very kind, I find myself waking up as early as 2am thinking that my life has to start circling all over again. Somehow my body can't help it. And my mind won't let up either. I even have moments when I just want to fall onto the floor because I think I'm in an overload of sorts. Yet I don't want to give up trying to piece my life into purpose. Heck, I could die anytime and what else can I say about that? I just thank God that He has kept me safe and in more ways than one, He has fueled me to go extra miles for the people that I love.
I think coming home has been a reward in itself. I'm not looking for confirmation, or affirmation. I'm not even looking for cost estimates on how long it will take me to realize that its been a wrong choice. It was still a choice I made. I'm quite sure that at least Heaven agrees with me. Or is it the other way around?
It was a great weekend being with friends and with Rose again. Passing by the food place that morning and seeing her eat again was such an experience I'd play back in my head over and over again. While some ladies may abhor feasting on danggit while wearing a nice dress, she showed me how wonderful life can become if one just splurged away. She'll kill me for saying that.
Later on I realized that friendships are just about that - splurging on whatever life will try to throw at you knowing that you can simply be the way you are just because somebody else is watching and thinks the same way.
It has been really tiring for me. Though food is abundant and people have been very kind, I find myself waking up as early as 2am thinking that my life has to start circling all over again. Somehow my body can't help it. And my mind won't let up either. I even have moments when I just want to fall onto the floor because I think I'm in an overload of sorts. Yet I don't want to give up trying to piece my life into purpose. Heck, I could die anytime and what else can I say about that? I just thank God that He has kept me safe and in more ways than one, He has fueled me to go extra miles for the people that I love.
I think coming home has been a reward in itself. I'm not looking for confirmation, or affirmation. I'm not even looking for cost estimates on how long it will take me to realize that its been a wrong choice. It was still a choice I made. I'm quite sure that at least Heaven agrees with me. Or is it the other way around?
posted by Dawn Treader at
2:25 AM
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