Never Home

So I am here. Back home. Working. Learning. Wishing.

I never thought that all the ghosts of my neglect will come back to me, and I've never felt so friendless. Yup, there is such a term. Friendless. After almost two months back home, I still don't feel that I'm in a welcomed state.

My old friends who also experienced this after a year of teaching in Palau will probably give me the "I told you so" nag right now. I never thought it was going to be this hard. What is so hard about it? For starters, conversations are still too vague for me to understand. I don't know who they are talking about or what happened last year. I don't know really. And it is quite difficult to try to measure up when all I have are stories of the unknown that they can only say, "really?" Yup, really.

I'm comforting myself with college students as friends. Not that they are not enough. Let me tell you, they are loads of fun. I'm just guessing that I have a lot in me that requires a different kind of company. Something a lot deeper than just socialization. Something more meaningful than just the term, "friends."

My soul cries out. I need something to happen to me, to jolt me out of this misery. I can't sleep at night realizing that I'm just going through the routines again. I didn't go home for this. I didn't yearn for this. This shouldn't be happening.