Nothing to See here . . .

I post tonight, because finally, I have a decent, hot meal.

I got sick for about a week and a half, and it was horrible. Coughing, sniffing, can't sleep, and worst of all, I can't eat very well because of my numbed taste buds. That's why I didn't get to post right away, ladies and gentlemen.


But now, just a little sniffs, and a little coughing here and there, and I'm well . . . until . . .

I got a mouth sore. It was positioned at the corner of my upper lip. Just when I got my appetite back, I couldn't eat a bite and not cringe in extreme pain. It was saddening. I couldn't even speak normally (and I had to deliver a speech in church too, for that matter). And I was starving! It wasn't OK for me at all, realizing that I have already lost 5 pounds for the last couple of weeks that I wasn't feeling well.

Today, however, was different. The sore is still here, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore. And so tonight, I cooked dinner and I ate everything. Yup, everything. And I plan to get that 5 pounds back, and more.

I Hate You for That

My last words last night were "She's a grown woman. She can take care of herself." Who knew that you would be central to my dreams and a rude awakening?

Yup, I had a dream about you again. You were always facing the other way. But I knew it was you. The way you talked, the way you treated me. It was definitely you. I couldn't get a hold of you, let alone enter into an engaging conversation. There were people around, people that I didn't know. But you knew them somehow, enough to stay along with them, and ignore me.

So I reached the end of my string. It was too much for me to bear. The hurt was still there, somehow. I ended up kicking you on the rear. Then finally you looked at me, with tears in your eyes, asking me why I had done such a thing. I was adamant. You had a nail pusher in your hand, apparently, and tried to stab me with the sharper end. I told you to do it again and again, told you that no amount of epidermal pain can equal the struggle I had inside. You did, and stabbed me. The mystery was that you continued crying while you did it.

I woke up realizing what I said last night. Did it mean at all that I could not forget you? I have forgiven you. I have told you how shattered I was, and still am. To forgive is easy, to forget is as hard as the stones I use to hit my head with.

I walk around, smiling. Knowing that there will be no tomorrow between the two of us. Neither will we be casual friends. Friends, probably, but not casual. But I ask myself too, whether deep inside, there is still love for you. A love, that when left unchecked, will make me the most insane human being who ever lived.

The Good Times are Over

Spring break is drawing to a close. It is my last day of getting things done before school starts again. I've enjoyed so much of the travels for the last couple of days. I want to end my week right. But now, I'm sick.

My throat's been a mess since last week, but I guess it chose this time to manifest itself. I do get sick a lot. I however, regret today because there's just so much to do. I promised myself I would cook for a friend that I've never seen in church for a while. I promised to do my school-work, clean the lab, and do everything else that would look productive. But now, I don't even have the will to eat a decent meal.

Bu-hu.

The Road and Recovery

That was a great conversation, I would admit. Although I could also say in all honesty how uncomfortable I was with the topic.

Should I say I'm conservative? Some people see me as such, but I wouldn't say I am entirely. Am I liberal? Perhaps, but a counter-recounter of words seem to tell me that its not all about being termed conservative or liberal.

1) Church - I do not like Christian Rock, although right now I find myself listening to Christian Alternative bands and their songs. I am acceptable of hymns in church, but am also a fan of livelier, more life-giving worship styles. I believe in the "the church can still change" themes as opposed to "we've always done it this way" type of ideals.

2) Music and Movies - Other than Christian music, I still am a listener of Parokya ni Edgar, the original Eraserheads, Stone Temple Pilots, True Faith, Enya, and Adam Sandler. The Matrix is still my favorite movie. But no, I don't go to movie theatres.

3) Fashion - Women who can wear their clothes confidently are OK with me. I, on the other hand, cannot wear just shorts when I go to church, but will be willing to travel the world in a worn-out shirt and a pair of sports shorts.

4) Social Life - I do remember feeling like a groupie back when I was in college. But I realized I found my loves outside of my confines - I love playing billiards. I may not be good at it, but it sure beats basketball. I can go to bars, but never disco-places. I don't order alcohol (not anymore), but I will go for the chips (hehe). I can play a round or two of network games with my friends, but not with strangers. I would go for a quiet day at the beach, but never to a rock concert.

5) Principles - I do believe that life is made up of choices, whether they are good or bad. And that life will offer you for each choice you make a myriad of other choices. Whatever you do with these choices, will shape whatever will happen to your life.

You be the judge.

Teleportation

I promised I'd write this blog for someone. I do keep my promises.

The movie Sleepless in Seattle made such an impact on audiences and their romantic dealings. I never understood it, even if I watched it full length. That was embarassing for me, because I would have been able to catch up on movies like that. Until now.

I suddenly realize that the magic the movie was trying to tell a story of, was the fact that people can become connected, and no geographical, demographic, cultural, or even relational boundaries can get in the way. It's like for two people, you somehow reach a pinnacle, like the Empire State building, and the doors of the elevator just open, and all you can say is, "Hi."

I was chatting with you the other day and I had no idea who you are, how you sound like, what you like eating, and why you wear your hair like that (I did see your picture). Electronic impulses send my words to your terminal, and so do yours. I was reading, but at the back of my head I was trying to read between the lines. "Is she bored?" "Did I say something stupid?" "Was she offended by that?"

Your friend, who was beside me for the meantime, told me that you wanted me to talk first. Unfortunately, I can't talk, not to you for that matter, without knowing what it is that you'd like to hear (or read about). Sleepless in Seattle just flat-out lied about the connection.

But then there's this. You said my posts were kind of long. I told you they were more than thoughts. They were angst. Or at least what I know them to be. And I just opened my head and told you truths that everybody else may think is nonsense. You decide that.

I might sign up for that site you were asking me about. The possibilities are endless. And so are days, that I heard, may be as short as our lives. I'm thinking about it. Still thinking.

A Sunday Spring Sortie

I decided to finally come out of the living-in-the-town 24/7 and went for a trip in one of the bigger island communities here. The place, Pelilieu, is famous because of the battle that raged here between American forces and the Japanese during world war two. It is a 45-minute speedboat ride from the docks to the Island, and the calm sea was just a marvelous treat for most of us teachers who were taking this break.



This one was when the boat has come to dock, and everyone suddenly notices my hair. The pastor was saying, "Somebody take a picture!" I grabbed my camera instead, and had it with Jorge, one of our Hispanic teachers (don't ask me about his shades though, hehe). It gives you a little taste of what used to be cool - Vanilla Ice, in a darker style.


Our first stop was a jungle trek to find old Japanese anti-air machine guns. You'll be seeing a bigger gun in while, so I'll just treat you with so I just decided to have you see a picture of the jungle, and the guy swaying in it. Donjulie and Mica in the background.



Next stop was a bombed out HQ from the war. You could easily tell through gaping holes on the top floors and the building frame sticking out. I should get that picture inside the bomb shelter.
A perfect beach line don't you think? Apparently too, a scene of one of the worst gunnings experienced by US forces when they were trying to take the island from Japanese forces. Imagine the opening landings of Saving Private Ryan.


Here's the "big gun" I was talking about. A rusty, but intact, cannon facing the ocean, probably for the ships that were at the bay. Adelina (in the sky blue shirt) and Sumi pose.

And to top that wonderful day, one of the greatest sunsets I have ever took a picture of with my 3.2MP Camedia.

It was a great day to be alive.

Out of the Box and In

It is one week off for me and the rest of the teachers here in the school. It is spring break.

Funny however, that this is a tropical island, and there is no such thing as spring break, let alone the other four seasons. I have however, enjoyed this time off of school, since it is different than Christmas (there's nothing else to celebrate really) and we're free to go wherever we want.

I was talking to one of my colleagues and friend and we were wanting to go out to another part of the island and just spend the night there with the rest of our friends from church. Her idea was, "It would be a change for the better because it would be nicer waking up in the morning for once not having to face the school."

Imagine waking up and the front of your porch is your office? That's how we feel living in campus. And so I took her point, and it really frees me from this box that I am now in.

I want to go fishing too. It's been a long time since I've done so. It is lighter now, this feeling, since its only two months left before the school year ends.

Deep inside, however, I am still afraid. There's just so much time in my hand, and I don't know what to do.

What's for Dinner?

I cooked for eight people tonight, fish dishes, and now my shirt smells of it. I'm proud.

Food I think has a very close affinity to me. I have made reforms, however. Right now I don't eat beef and chicken, and their derivatives. I've set myself off of milk too. Only fish and eggs remain, and they come in at the very end of my list of to-be-hads for mealtime. I usually crave now for more natural vegetables and fruit. I've had this for the last three years now.

It came to my mind however, that food, though it has changed a lot in my perspectives, have been a close therapeutic model for me. I say this because I love to cook, and roomie Isaac would always know that there would be two reasons why I'm cooking so much for something - either I'm extremely happy, or extremely stressed. In the end, after cooking, I don't have the appetite.

I also remember how my former girlfriend and I would go out to eat at places and rate the food there. We joked around telling each other we could actually write a column on a magazine about what is great or rotten about the food and the certain place we had it in. Of course, nothing beat homecooked meals, and I do cherish those moments that I was able to cook for her, especially on weekends. Sometimes I did it for her roomates and friends, and our friends, sometimes I just did it to take care of her own cravings for native meals.

I guess that's one of the reasons why I had this blog title in the first place. There's food, there's cooking, and then there's the eating part. I found myself the other day musing at lunch break. I had so much stuff in our fridge. I had so much stuff to crave for. But it does feel empty. The food maybe great, the cooking may be superb. The sad thing is, will it be perfect just eating alone?